Far Behind
by LaraWinner
Summary: Heero's pov on a tragic event


DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters.I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

# Far Behind

**BY:**Lara_Winner

**SONG BY:**Candlebox

_Now maybe_

_I didn't mean to treat you bad_

_But I did it anyway_

_And now maybe_

_Some would say your life was sad _

_But you lived it anyway_

Standing silently on a hill overlooking the cemetery Heero's eyes took in the legions of people paying their last respects to the former "Queen of the World". Each person had varying expressions ranging from sobbing tears to plain dull misery. His mouth twisted into a hideous snarl at the irony of the situation. When she was alive those same people, who shed their tears now, never even gave a second thought to what she sacrificed for them. They weren't the ones who watched her cry in the dark over the way they inadvertently controlled her life. The people never once considered the fact that their Princess was in all actuality their slave. But he had seen the truth. He knew all to well the chains that bound her to her fate. They had no right to cry. They didn't feel her loss. They just feared the loss of her ideals. Not the girl behind the symbol of peace. They had no right to cry and he could not cry. How perversely ironic! 

Unable to control his anger over the ridiculous display of false emotions he turned his back on the cemetery and began his decent down the hill. He ignored the cold wind that ruffled his unkempt brown hair. The chill seeped through his thin long sleeved shirt mingling with the ice that had settled around his soul. He had no right to cry either. He was just as much to blame for her choice as the pathetic people that swarmed her grave. Had he ever once considered how his constant absence might affect her? Had he ever once made the effort to show her a fraction of the love she lavished on him? He hung his head as the taunting answer echoed through his mind. _I thought she knew how much I loved her._

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

_And so maybe_

_Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble_

_As you falter to the ground_

_And then someday_

_Your friends they stand around as you were flying_

_Oh you were flying oh so high_

To ignore his traitorous thoughts his mind searched for a clue. Any clue that could have prepared him or the others for the drastic measures she was about to take. Even Milliardo had thought she was fine. Her actions gave no hint to pain she hid inside, at least not her outward actions.

His mind brought up the image of her face, her tears reflecting in the moonlight. He had stood beneath her balcony and watched her shed the tears that no one else saw. Her friends watched her break slowly and they never even realized. He had known she was lost but he had done nothing. He had been too afraid. To scared of the raging motions that called out to her. It was all the same. Her life was her prison and his fear was his prison. 

They should have seen the pressure that was suffocating her. Why did everyone assume she would be fine? She wasn't as strong as they thought, but for their sake she pretended till she couldn't pretend anymore. She let them think she was happy but inside she was dying and they just stood and watched. He just stood and watched. His self-hatred rose like bile in his throat. 

_But then someday_

_People look at you for what they call their own_

_They watch you suffer_

_Yeah they hear you calling home_

_But then someday_

_We could take our time_

_To brush the leaves aside so you could reach us_

_But you left me far behind_

__

He couldn't help but question once again why had she kept it to herself.But he already knew the answer. The people needed her strength and her friends needed her courage. Her every thought had been to please those around her. She had been determined to give her all to the preservation of peace. But was it worth the cost of her inner peace? 

Hell, he wasn't one to question her reasons. He had done the same thing during the war. He had been so consumed with his mission he had all but sold his soul. Actually he had thought he lost that too till she awakened him to its existence. She taught him how to live and love and trust and yet all the while she was loosing her soul in the process. And she never complained. She never said no and she never said it hurt. She would just smile and fool him with the false security of her presence. Did she ever think of what would happen when she was no longer there or did she think no one needed her? Did she doubt her abilities or did she just loose her ability to care all together? Would it have made a difference if he had known her pain?

_Now maybe_

_I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad_

_But I did it anyway_

_Now maybe_

_Some would say your left with what you had_

_But you couldn't share the pain_

__

It was all his fault, he was certain of that if nothing else. He knew now that just one kind word from him could have changed the events of the past weeks. But in his typical fashion he had refused to give in. He had sworn to hold strong and prove he didn't need her. He had been so determined to prove she didn't need him that he never stopped to question if he was wrong. Now the truth was clear as day. She was his soul and this time he had managed to destroy it completely. 

She had to have felt she had nothing. She had to have felt alone. Why didn't he see that? Was he so blind that he didn't see the pain in her eyes? How could he have been stupid enough to think it would all pass and that she would wake up one day and it would be all right? He of all people should know things were never that simple. But to admit she was breaking meant he had to admit he cared and he refused to do that. He refused to take responsibility for being the cause of it. But now he couldn't escape that very fact and it tormented him ever since her death.

_Now maybe_

_I could have made my own mistakes_

_But I live with what I've known_

_And then maybe_

_We might share in something great_

_But won't you look at where we've grown_

_Won't you look at where we've gone_

__

Lost in his self-recriminating thoughts he continued waking aimlessly. His destination didn't matter. Nothing mattered now. He had made the worst mistake of his life with her. He lived by how he was trained. His trainings didn't include lessons on how to tell someone you love them. He had never been shown affection so how could he in turn show it to her. Was that what she had needed?Did she need to know that he cared and maybe small proof of his affections?

He could have given her proof. He could have showed her the picture of her he carried in his wallet. He could have told her all the times he watched her just to watch her and not because of his missions. He could have told her how sometimes for no reason he couldn't stop thinking of her. He could have told her how he dreamed of her at night and how he even memorized the smell of her perfume. And he could will her to know that he was nothing now that she left him.

A little more time and they could have had it all. He was trying but it obviously wasn't enough. She had always needed more than he could give. And yet she never asked for more. She never once said he wasn't good enough. She revered him and he had always known he didn't deserve it. At least not from her, not from an angel. 

_But then someday_

_Comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I feel for you in my mind_

_As you trip the final line_

_And that cold day when you lost control_

_Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me_

_But you left me far behind_

_ _

_ _

_ _

He sighed in resignation. She was gone. There was nothing he could say or do that would bring her back. All he could do was keep his memories but even those would fade in time. First he would forget the sound of her voice, then he would forget the feel of her hand holding his, and then before he knew it he wouldn't even remember her face. It would be like she never existed. As it was his heart had already stopped feeling. He had no heart left to feel with. She had taken it with her. Did she even know she had it?

He liked to think she had some clue as to how he felt but her actions spoke differently. If she had known she wouldn't have resorted to suicide.But it had been her choice. One he assumed she felt forced to. But he still couldn't picture Relena taking her life. He had seen her body and he still couldn't believe it. The autopsy said there were high levels of alcohol in her blood. Angrily he wondered just how drunk she was when she decided to jump thirty-two stories from her office window.

His fist clenched and his jaw tightened. Did it have to end this way? Did she have to throw everything away without a single thought? He had believed Relena was stronger than that. Maybe that was the problem. Too much was laid on her shoulders. But nineteen years old was too young for her to die. 

_Now maybe_

_I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad_

_But I did it anyway_

_Now maybe_

_Some would say your left with what you had_

_But you couldn't share the pain_

"I'm sorry" The whispered words escaped his lips before he could stop them.He turned his tortured eyes to the sky in supplication. 

Logically he knew it wouldn't change things. His sorrow wouldn't heal the wound she left. Nothing would take away this pain. He should be used to it. He should have realized he would be the one to destroy her. His heart twisted viciously as he realized in a round about way he'd kept his promise. He killed her just like he swore he would years ago. 

Shaking his head he closed his eyes tightly. Had she thought of that? Had she laid the blame on him? He couldn't take this shit anymore! He needed his control. He needed to find that focus that had allowed him to be inhuman. This pain was going to drive him insane if he didn't do something.

"Relena!" He snarled, releasing all the pain and rage in his voice.

_I said times have changed your friends_

_They come and watch you crumble to the ground_

_They watch you suffer_

_Yeah they hold you down_

_Hold you down_

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

__He couldn't blame her for her decision though he wanted to. The anger pulsing through him just wanted to rage and yell and call her a fool. But if he were in her position he wouldn't have killed himself, instead he would have snapped and killed everyone else. Now that he looked on it every one demanded something from her. She had to be so many things to appease everyone's demands.Her work demanded all her time and patience. He demanded all her affections. And those who didn't want something controlled her. They took away her options and treated her like a puppet on strings. They all in their own way held her down and squeezed the life from her little by little. 

So what did he expect? It was bound to happen. She was strong but not a god. She could only do so much and when it never seems enough you give up. He had felt the same way in the war. He had tried to end his life but fate or destiny or whatever the hell was out there wouldn't let him. Now he wondered why it couldn't have stopped her. He deserved her fate more than she did. She had never taken another life. She was the one with the heart and the compassion that he didn't have.She was the hope of the world and yet that was the very thing that killed her. He laughed bitterly as his mind repeated the age-old words……… _Life is never fair_

_Maybe love_

_I didn't mean to treat you bad_

_But you left me far behind_

Pulling out his wallet, his pain filled gaze dropped to the worn photo of his angel. 

_Left me far behind_

Almost reverently he ran his fingers over the vision of her smiling face.

_Left me far_

"Did you have to leave me?" he whispered.

_Behind_

A.N.- Okay, please don't hate me. I love this song and it fit Relena and Heero and I wrote it and….I'm rambling. If you don't like it tell me. I hope you like it though and I'm sorry it's so sad. My angst demon reared her sad little head and this is what I come up with. Again, I'm sorry! Thanks for reading, I love ya!!!!!!*_* 


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